I’m feeling a bit anxious at the moment; some of it’s about my new book, which is always a vulnerable thing to put out into the world and a significant task to write. But more immediately, it’s about an upcoming trip to the Wilderness Guides Council. I’m heading into something quite unknown; sharing a yurt with 3 others, being with around 60 people, and I honestly don’t know how it’s all going to feel. I’m wondering: will I have enough solitude? Will I be able to manage the intensity of it?
Uncertainty has always been something I find hard. Airports, travel days, not knowing what to expect; they all unsettle me more than I’d like. And yet, from the outside, I’m often told I seem calm, like I’ve got everything together. But the truth is, I feel like a duck, always have, gliding on the surface while paddling furiously underneath. I think that’s true for a lot of us.
We look at people’s lives online and assume they’re thriving, but often we’re only seeing the polished surface. I try to be authentic; to share the messy bits, not just the highlights. I do my best to be kind and compassionate in the world, but I’m realising how rarely I extend that same kindness to myself.
Lately, I’ve been trying to do less; only what really needs to be done. I’ve decided to stop rearranging myself to meet other people’s timelines, especially when they don’t suit the pace or energy I have right now. I’m giving myself permission to pause, to wait until after Easter to pick certain things up again.
We all need more space to listen to ourselves; to our bodies, to our energy levels. I’ve spent a lot of my life putting others first, and while I’m not trying to flip that completely, I am trying to practice listening inward a bit more. Because the truth is, we often assume we’ll have the time or energy for something; and then life changes, especially when you’re supporting an elderly parent or navigating unexpected stresses.
These videos I share are a form of journaling for me, a way of capturing a moment in time, of being honest about how things feel. I imagine looking back on them in years to come and seeing how far I’ve come, or maybe just remembering what it was like to be here, in this uncertain but very human place.
If any of this resonates, I’ve shared more in my latest video; just a quiet reflection on where I’m at right now, in case it’s helpful to hear someone else say it out loud.
